why is it that the more effort i put in to laugh, smile and be normal around people, the emptier i feel when i’m alone. i do not understand. i try so hard to be happy, unlike previously.
it’s as if a weight is taken off my shoulders when i’m alone. i’ll heave a sigh and my heart will sink. i want to curl up and let my feelings out the minute people turn their backs to leave. which is probably why i desire company. because i’m afraid of my emotions.
nobody has any clue what im feeling except herms. who probably only has a slight idea.
i don’t talk to anyone anymore, i realise. there’s nothing to say. but so much to feel. every minute is an act.
its as if i’m overwhelmed with life. there are so many things going on. im just working myself tirelessly. skipping meals. ignoring my well being, because. nothing matters. i love the people around me and i accept things as they are. i’m fine with everything. “i’m fine, i’m fine” was what i kept repeating to all of them when i was drunk and in tears. a part of me wished that if i kept saying it out loud and that if people believed it, i would too.
this post is different from the rest. this post shows how much effort i’m putting in to make myself (seem) cheerful and happy in front of the people around me. i’ve done a great job in my opinion. but now i’m realising that no matter how much i lie to everyone, i can’t lie to myself. and i don’t know what to do anymore.
they say happiness is a choice. i believed it.
i’m having doubts now.